My Reflection

I find it really a nuisance starting every post now with an apology. It starts to get irritating and I don’t like that feeling. Yes, this disgusting feeling have a nasty habit of hanging around and it comes more often to me now. What am I talking about? It is about almost everything in my life. Firstly, it’s about my studies. T-T

I did really badly for my mid-year exams. No, do not say that it’s normal and everything. Yes, it is commonly seen but there should not be an excuse to cover it up or not feel anxious at all. Four U grades, one D and one B. That’s how bad my results are. And the four subjects which I failed are my main subjects, the 3 H2s and 1 H1. I only passed my languages. The fault lies with no one but me. I screwed up my exams because I have council work to do, I did not manage my time well and did not put in much effort into studying. And now, I have the parents meet teachers thingy. Seriously, I find myself playing too much at the starting of the year, from orientation until now. Yes, it sounds ridiculous but it’s true. I fool around, crap too much, landed myself into an ex-co position and now screw up my life in JC. I know my potential. I know how good I can be. But I did not do anything much about my studies and for council. I wish I could stop it. This stupid personality of mine is seriously affecting me. I do not one to be so crazy and be an irritating ass which piss people off all the time and cracking too much jokes. Yes, it’s good to be like that once in awhile. But after a long while, people don’t trust you even if you have the capability. People doubt you. I will put a stop to it. I have to be more serious in my life now. I’m god damn 17, behaving like a freaking 14 year old. THIS GOT TO STOP!

Council…. Where to start? At the beginning, everything was fine. Good time with friends and play around all the time. But when work starts to come and I got an ex-co position, I did not stop being the irritating joker. I find myself digressing. I’m not like how I was when I’m in sec 3 and 4. There is time for playing and being serious. Half the time, I do not know what I’m doing and find myself rushing things at the last minute. Now, I do not know what my committees are doing so far, how well they are doing and I practically didn’t give a hoot about their situation. Even as I/C or ex-co I/C, I admit I did not give in my all. Simply put, I had too much fun, fooled around most of the time while people are serious about it. Also during this period of time, from nominee period to now, I would like to apologise to all whom I’ve treated unfairly, cruelly, badly and whom I pissed off and hurt deeply. My deep, sincere, and truthful apology: Sorry. I promise to participate in everything more seriously from now on.

Yesterday, I got myself scolded extremely badly by my parents. I would have done so if I have a son like myself. I have seriously hurt and disappoint them. During the holidays, I had so much fun that I concentrated little on my studies. I played my computer games too much. I spent around 2 to 4 hours playing. After that when it comes to studying, I get distracted and ended up studying little and for a short period of time, say, one hour. And I got tired after playing computer games and I fell asleep. My mum was nagging away most of the time. My dad trusted me. He told my mum that I knew what I was doing and not to nag or scold me too much. He said that I’ve grown up already and definitely knew how to arrange my stuff. In the end? With such results, there’s little left for imagination. My mum was her usual angry self and chided me continuously. Chided might have been an understatement. But what hurt me really bad, what made me woke up was my dad’s angry outburst, He practically shouted at me. He was so angry that his voice shook a little. He was really upset and disappointed. He placed so much trust in me, expecting some decent results. But it ended up like that. My parents are extremely worried. I’m the only son. All their hopes are placed on me. I cannot and must not fail. I have to do them proud. They are really afraid of me getting retained.

I went back to secondary school today to get back my testimonial. It’s called a School Graduation Certificate (SGC). Very nicely done. I look and see what’s inside. I see my hard work and all I’ve put in. It makes me feel even more guilty. I went back with a group of my friends. All of them did better than me. Definitely, like DUH. Felt really really bad.

I have to change. I will change. Please. Give me some more time. I’m doing my best. These few days would be the transition period. I would not be the same as before…

Change….