Retaining

Hey, wassup readers, it has been a long time. Sorry but I’ve been occupied by lots of PW stuff and also council. Well, other than that, I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings. I do not want to reveal much here but I guess close friends should know what I’m referring to ya?

So painful. It hurts. I hate myself for getting into this situation. It makes me feel that I’m…irresponsible. I’ve not put in enough hard word for the first part of the year. And last minute studying didn’t help either. Obviously, the fault lies with me. If only I started work earlier. If only I did not focus too much on council. If only I did not play too much. If If If. Well, too late. The pain I feel is partially because of the time wastage, but mostly it’s due to my CCA and my friends. I feel alone, cast aside and soon forgotten. How long will everything this year lasts? Encouraging words are given, but will the sympathy die off soon when everyone gets back to their busier lives next year? I will not be able to join them for many things. I regret that and it’s too bloody late.

It’s not easy to accept it. You do not even have the chance to fight for it. You do not even understand or know how to fight against it and how your fate is decided. Hell, this situation is one good insight to the society in future. Acceptance is never easy. Moving on is a must and I hope to get over my sadness soon. It is really hard. I go to school each day with increasingly weariness. School kind of lost its appeal already. Just like that, my perception changed in a day. Go to school light heartedly, have laughs and jokes every where. Until someone mentions about the next year or something to do about results, my heart turns cold and my smile feels strained. All I could do is walk away or change the topic. Are my laughs and jokes a way to escape from reality and deceive myself? Is it the so-called ‘politically correct’ way to be emo and not smile at all? So confused. So frustrating. So painful.

My parents understand my situation. They’ve given me their support. But I can’t help feeling their sadness. I could see it and sense it, no matter how hard to cover up. I look at their aged faces. How much more disappointment could they take? I’m no longer a young boy. I lived my life without major setbacks and had an easy life so far. I’ve spoke about changing but I’m back to square one. Can anyone help? A desperate plea with no solutions to it.

The guilt, the shame and the pain. The struggle, the torment and the cover up. How long will it last? How could it help? How much could I take it any longer?

It has been a rough year.

My tear glands have been working a lot this year…