Just in a few more hours it will be a new year. I could say the last 2 months of '09 have been an awesome one, making me forget about everything that's unpleasant. But still, one lingers on..
Yeap, my grandpa. I'm sitting in my room here, typing this at 2.33am. Parents are sleeping, and i can hear my grandpa coughing and groaning at times, the sound of him shifting in bed and the bed creaking. It's been great that relatives are turning up, concerned about my grandpa. Wouldn't say the same for my grandma but let's not bring THAT up.
Everyone's telling me to be strong. Of course, i am. I can still manage right now. The first "emo" post was just a sudden feeling. Right now, i'm here to update more, in case you are wondering. I've said last month that he might just pass on suddenly, but i believe the old man cannot bear to leave. He's still struggling on day to day. His diet? Porridge, just about 5 spoonfuls. Anything soft just few portions. And some days, he'll just eat breakfast and nothing else. He can't go to toilet frequently a month ago. Now he wears adult diapers which have to be changed by my parents or just me and my mum. He weighs 60+ kg in the past. Now he's 30+ kg. He cannot get up by himself, on his bed the whole day and often coughing out phlegm. What we are afraid of is him choking.
My grandpa, i believe, can bear tremendous amounts of pain. I believe that he's hurting like mad now, but he just keeps quiet. How could u have more than 5 growing tumours in your head, and some growing in your body, and not hurt at all? Right now if you enter his room, you will see a frail old man. You can see his ribs showing, you can see his hairless head, his skinny arms and legs. But what struck me each time i look at him is: THE EYES. The eyes wander about. I'm not sure what he's thinking. Sorry if it's dramatic, but i feel that he sees his life flashing past him. He's looking through his memories, feeling sad and do not want to let go at all. In a simple phrase: he can't bear to let go.
The closest family member to him, i think, must be his brother. He often calls my grandpa when he's healthy. Now, he make frequent trips to see him. He's my grandpa's elder brother. He's still quite fit though. He makes personal trips to see grandpa. Just recently, he entered my grandpa's room, and got a shock. He saw the state of my grandpa. The old man couldn't stand the sight before him and he cried. Not long after, there are 2 old men crying in there. My mum walked out because she couldn't bear to watch.
Right now all i could do for him is to move him about, feed him with water, wipe his spit and phlegm and staying up till wee hours in the morning just to make sure he's alright. I'm not so sure whether i can still help around when school starts. I'm not even sure whether he can make it till then.
Well, not exactly a great way to end 2009 and usher in 2010, but i'll manage. I would like to thank all you guys for the encouragement and support. Happy New Year in advance guys
With love and hope,
Xavier Ong 王善义
Labels: Grandfather
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